Bill Simmons - Macho Business Donkey Wrestler

ESPN writer Bill Simmons has just released an article that demeans Cavs fans as "fools" for believing our team can win The Finals.

However, Simmons contradicts himself in the article, and it appears as if he just had a bunch of used-up jokes that he needed to recycle before their expiration date, so he decided to write them all up in one lengthy diatribe about how badly he wants to blow Gregg Popovich.

Take this for example;

This isn't baseball, where an underdog from an inferior league can catch fire for a few weeks and win the title (see: the 2006 Cardinals).

Which was followed up later by this;

In a two-month stretch from Feb. 13 to April 13, (the Spurs) kicked it into fifth gear by going 25-3 (including a 13-game winning streak), shifted into neutral for the last three games (all losses) with a No. 3 seed locked up, then kicked it back up into fifth by going 12-4 against Denver, Phoenix and Utah in the playoffs.

Here's the point: Throw out those cruise-control games and the Spurs are 37-7 since Feb. 13.

So, let me get this straight...the Cavs are doomed because getting hot at the right time doesn't guarantee a championship, but the Spurs are going to win a championship because they are hot at the right time.

Whhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa???????

Also, Simmons says he picks the Spurs because in 2003......

Everyone who picked the Nets in either one of those series felt like a complete imbecile afterward. You know why I know this? Because I picked the '03 Nets to win in six games.

So because you went with the underdog once and got burned, you're calling US fools for going with the underdog this time? Anybody else get the feeling that this guy spent a lot of summer nights stalking ex-girlfriends for standing him up on prom night? Get over yourself, Bill. The Nets lost that series, not you.

Finally, Simmons comes up with this gem, making me realize that he never watched the Eastern Conference Playoffs;

Somehow, the Cavs made it through the entire playoffs without facing a team that could (A) attack them with a penetrating point guard (taking advantage of their lack of shotblocking and lack of a true point guard), (B) make LeBron work on defense, and (C) trap LeBron and force his teammates to beat them.

(A) Nobody attacked us with a penetrating point guard? Hello?????

Jason Kidd?
Vince Carter?
Chauncey Billups?
Any of these guys make an All-Star team ever?

(B) Make LeBron work on defense?

Detroit's own Tayshaun Prince can tell you that Simmons is knee-deep in his own bullshit. Prince shot 46% from the field this year (47% for his career). But he was being defended by LeBron James. In the 6-game series, Prince was held to 24% shooting. Do you think that might have had anything to do with the defense of LeBron James, and the 16 steals he had against Detroit?

You tell me.

(C) Trap LeBron and force his teammates to beat them?

Yeah. Whatever.

Ask Daniel Gibson about that one.
Or Donyell Marshall in Game 6 of the Nets series.
Or Drew Gooden and his double-double in Game 1 of the Nets series.
Or Larry Hughes and his 27 point/7 rebound game in the playoffs opening night.

Translation. Simmons is a hack.

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Bonus points if you can tell me where I got the idea for my headline.