"Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished members of the press, and college football fans worldwide. Thank you for the opportunity to speak with you this evening. I've called you all here to address a mistake I made earlier today on my blog, The Buckeye Battle Cry.
I posted a picture of a man holding a door open for a woman, and both people in the photo were carrying purses. I mistakenly identified the man as Michigan quarterback Chad Henne. Shortly after I posted the photo, it was brought to my attention that the photo was actually of former Michigan quarterback Tom Brady. I did not immediately correct the error on my blog, and I am now here to apologize for that lack of oversight.
In between the time that I posted the photo and the time I made the correction, massive amounts of crying broke out in the basements of 70s-style bungalow homes thoughout the state of Michigan.
I was first alerted to the mass hysteria by a phone call to my home. The person on the other end continually screamed "IT'S A SATCHEL! IT'S A SATCHEL!" over and over again. Shortly after that call ended, another call came through, but this Michigan fan just giggled into the phone, interrupted only by asking me if I had any butterscotch candy.
I went back online to see if The BBC had any clues to the mini-rash of mildly amusing calls, and I saw several postback links to my site, all from the same obsessed Michigan fan (not pictured, at least until I get a wide-angle lens to fit her in frame).
It was then that I realized my own mistake would have to be corrected. I'm here to apologize for my error, and to correct my error.
It was Tom Brady who was carrying a purse. He's the pussy-whipped bitch. Not Chad Henne. Henne is a bitch for completely different reasons, and I apologize for insinuating that he is pussy-whipped. Thank you for your time.
I'd like to add that since noticing my mistake, I went back and looked at the games Tom Brady and Chad Henne played against Ohio State.
In 2004, Chad Henne lost to Ohio State 37-21
In 2005, Chad Henne lost to Ohio State 25-21
In 2006, Chad Henne lost to Ohio State 42-39
In 1998, Tom Brady lost to Ohio State 31-16
In 1999, Tom Brady beat Ohio State 24-17
I can assure you that since Tom Brady actually managed to beat Ohio State once in his career, nobody (including the BBC) will EVER confuse Tom Brady and Chad Henne ever again.